Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Why You Don't Piss People Off When They Have The Stomach Flu

This story is not mine, but one told by a dear friend of mine. I love him because he's probably the most unapologetically brash person that one could ever know, but at the same time, he's usually 100% sugar.

Just don't piss him off.

He's a mature adult now, and he (probably) wouldn't do what he did to a certain person in high school, but for those of you who ever wanted to exact revenge on someone back then, this is a story for you.

With his blessing, I have copied and pasted his latest Facebook status for you:

Its tmi Tuesday. This post was prompted by a question on someone else's tmi Tuesday post on Google plus.

I did a lot of fucked up things as a kid in the name of comradarie. There was this girl I was good friends with in highschool. Prom was coming up, shed been stood up for dances before and approached me as a possible date. I was known for loving school dances and having a great time at them and that was what she really wanted so we agreed. She picked out her dress and was really excited to go, even though she had to get special permission from the school since I wasn't allowed there with out express consent, and I had promised her of would be a great night. So when I for the flu she got really worried that I was going to back out but I swore to her I'd be fine and we'd have an amazing time. I showed up with my giant beast of a car and she was lovely in her dress and we went to like Denny's or something for dinner before and I was a hot sweaty nauseous mess but I pretended I wasn't for her benefit. At the dance things were awesome, we danced so hard my legs were jelly and several times the crowds pates because we just took that fucking floor over. At one point I just had to sit down and my host went to the bathroom. When she returned she was crying. Some dumb bitch who didn't like her for stupid reasons just HAD to treat her poorly while she piddled and tried to ruin her night. But I had promised her a good night and god damn it I overcame bodily sickness just to give it to her. So I asked her to point the girl out. She did, as we passed her in the hall. It was great timing as my sickness was at a high so, as we passed, I let go of everything I'd been holding in all night and projectile vomited all over the cunt. My host and I were ejected from the dance as security was sure I had to be drunk, regardless, i was told it was the best dance she has ever been to. We had a great night after laughing and looking at the stars.

And now you know to much.
If you had a friend like this in high school, give them a hug. Best story ever.


Monday, November 26, 2012

Bible Study With Christians Against Obama's Re-Election: The Book Of Rambo

If you're reading this, chances are you were brought here by my Facebook page, where I troll the living crap out of teabagging asshats like Christians Against Obama's Re-Election. I had planned on a swarm of this page, starting with this post:

Turns out I was banned in less than a minute. Quickest ban ever. That was fine, until I kept scrolling down their page, and realizing that I had blown my wad too quickly. A much better opportunity lied here:

What? No, really, what?

Now, I was not raised in the Christian faith, but I do respect Christianity in its true form. This is not its true form...unless...am I missing something? Is there a Book of Rambo in the New Testament that is only known in misogynistic, ultraconservative circles? Perhaps one where Jesus lacks empathy, victimizes women, and spouts racial and homophobic slurs? and I imagine that Christians Against Obama's Re-Election must be going with something like this:

And Jesus said unto Rambo: I send you forth to Afghanistan to save a yet unknown nation known as America/Their people will think I am here only for them/This amuses me/Go from village to village and kill every raghead you see while I hang out at a titty bar/Bring their women to me so I can make them French kiss while I masturbate/And lo! If you see any crying vampires/I command thee to pistol whip them and laugh at them as you call them "faggots"/When you are finished/Go forth and point and laugh at the poor, lame, and elderly/Taunt them with food and say "Hungry? You should have put an honest day's work in, then. I don't care if you're disabled or too old to work. No excuses. Suffer, yon bitches!"

I don't believe in hatred, really I don't. But if I did, I would really hate these people. They are everything that is wrong with this country I love. Follow the link above and say hi. Tell them Dr. Lulzington sent you. Make it count though, because these men who supposedly don't cry will cry really hard as they ban you from their page immediately. Pussies.

Monday, November 19, 2012

How To Stop Masturbating, Mormon Style

Ah, the Internet. It gives us so many awesome things to look at, and some of them aren't even porn! The Mormons are happy about that last part, for sure. You see, this web page gives us a peek into how the LDS stop their missionaries from touching themselves in their special places.

Some of them are simply too good not to respond to. For example:

1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes.
But how will I go "number three"?

2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company.
Yes! Then I can just have gratuitous sex instead.

3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will.
Why would we quit together when we have so much fun fapping together?

4. When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes -- just long enough to bathe and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present.
 That last part might be a problem for people in certain rural communities, including infamous cousin-breeders the FLDS.

5. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. 
In other words, the REAL reason for those magic underpants.

9. Pray.
I often say "God" or "Jesus" near the end of my wank. Does that count?

But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep [it] in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the Missionaries, the General Authorities, your friends, your families, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVER -- NOT IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS, NOT IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT _OUT_ of your mind! The attitude of a person toward his problem has an affect on how easy it is to overcome. It is essential that a firm commitment be made to control the habit. As a person understands his reasons for the behavior, and is sensitive to the conditions or situations that may trigger a desire for the act, he develops the power to control it.
That's just all kinds of messed up. Here are some excerpts from another set of suggestions:

2. Follow a program of vigorous daily exercise.
One could argue that I already do. ;-)

3. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell STOP to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a prechosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn.
But then everyone on the subway looks at me funny. At least it gets me my own seat, though.

12. During your toileting and shower activities leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open, to discourage being alone in total privacy.
 I do this, but it only heightens my passion.

19. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.
Oooh, kinky! NOW we're talking. What about handcuffs? Is it OK if my master does the tying for me?

20. Set up a reward system for your successes. It does not have to be a big reward. A quarter in a receptacle each time you overcome or reach a goal. Spend it on something which delights you and will be a continuing reminder of your progress.
 I tried that too, but every time I put a quarter in my "receptacle", it just made me want to masturbate.

Guess I have to try other stuff. 

Saturday, November 17, 2012

By The Way...

I'm on Facebook now. Not for the faint of heart. Please enjoy!

Climate Change Has Been Real For 332 Straight Months

Slate is reporting (and quite cleverly, might I add) that NOAA has reported 332 straight months of above normal temperatures. That means the last time global temperatures were below normal was in February 1985...nearly 28 years ago.

Let's put that into perspective:

If you're 50 years old, the beginning of global warming happened right around the time you graduated from college, or shortly thereafter.

If you're 40 years old, global warming started around the time of your first boy-girl dance.

If you're 30 years old, it started right around the time you stopped crapping your pants on a daily basis.

And if you're 20 years old, global warming is all you've ever known when it comes to climate.

Please share this article with the deniers. Here's a picture so that you can easily recognize one.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Apparently, Some People Want Mitt Romney And Paul Ryan To Make Sweet Love To One Another

The Atlantic Wire is reporting that Rule 34 Of The Internet also applies to Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan. Flying Spaghetti Monster help us all.

Here's a drawing for you to enjoy, or to projectile vomit to:

Dogs Against Mitt Romney T-Shirt (Google Affiliate Ad)

Today Is National Papa John's Appreciation Day

Those of you following the news have probably heard that Papa John's CEO John Schnatter has announced that because of the supposed costs of Obamacare, he would have to reduce employees' hours. Never mind that Schnatter is completely overblowing the actual costs to his company. As usual, the rich get richer and the poor get screwed over by the rich. And as what appears to be a show of support, this douche here is following suit as well by charging patrons a surcharge and encouraging them to take it out of their server's tip.

The result so far, besides the prerequisite media shitstorm, is both a call to boycott the pizza chain and a call for a National Papa John's Appreciation Day, the latter to inevitably be attended by people who would lick up the idea of nationalized healthcare like it was ice cream - if only it was called Romneycare, Bushcare (heh heh...Bushcare), or White-Anglo-Saxon-Protestant-Or-What-The-Hell-We'll-Even-Take-A-Catholic-Or-Jew-Name-Long-As-He-Ain't-No-Dang-Socialist-Kenyan-Moslincare.

Now, while I'm on the side of the workers in this case, I am not here to judge you if you order from there today. After all, who knows? Maybe you'll get home later, the kids are going to want pizza for dinner, and your only option is Papa John's because you don't live where pizza options are plentiful. You are the ones who I want to reach with the following message:

Remember the people who work there on Friday, and how it's very possible that they may view your patronage as a show of support to their boss, who they may consider the world's biggest douchebag right now. But go ahead and order. You may want to have your food tested first, unless you don't mind that your pizza might come with free stealth bodily excretion toppings. Saliva, mucus, maybe stuff from lower areas of the body...which reminds me, don't order the extra cheese today.

Bon appetit!

Wisco 560D 120v Deluxe Pizza Oven - Ovens (Google Affiliate Ad) 

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Ch-ch-ch-ch Changes!

Hello! Some of my longtime readers may have noticed that there have been major changes to the site. Gone are the song parodies and fake advice columns that had been littered with toilet humor. Not that I suddenly dislike toilet humor, of course.

The bottom line is that the way I express myself creatively is constantly changing. As I get older, jokes about crack whores and STDs just seem a little less...me.

I've been doing a lot of posting on news sites such as Political Wire and The Huffington Post under the Dr. Lulzington moniker, and I have a lot more to express right now than what seems appropriate on social media (You know what they say...twitlonger = u cray cray). Thus, this will now be the page for my longer thoughts.

Sit back, subscribe, follow me on Twitter, (Facebook coming soon) and enjoy.

P.S. Expect some more adjustments to the appearance of the site over the coming days/weeks.

You Won Now What?: How Americans Can Make Democracy Work from City Hall to the White House (Google Affiliate Ad)